Since I've posted last, a lot has changed. Some good, or possibly good, and some, well, not really good at all.
My mood lately has been up and down.
There are moments that I feel ok- where I feel alright with things and can function pretty normally (well, as normally as possible for me).
But those moments are so fleeting- and it seems that just about anything can send me into a tailspin and I'm back to feeling shitty and down. Not good, I know.
I just don't understand it, but I believe I've come to a realization. That is... that I am beginning to think that I look for things that are going to bring me down...
Yes, I'm very insecure and I don't really have the best opinion of myself, so I think I look for signs and feedback from others that I am "ok".
So, basically, I'll look at the people around me and try to register what is is they are thinking. If it is at all negative, I take it extremely personally... And what is really stupid about this is that whatever that person is thinking may or may not be about me, but I'll still think that it is.
I know it's a bad thing for me to do- especially knowing that people seem to like to play upon others' insecurities, but it's almost like I can't help it. I do it in just about any and every situation I am. And I think I even do it subconsciously.
But it's got to STOP.
I think it's pretty destructive to one's sense of self to always be solely relying on what other people think. It only makes getting around in the world harder and, as we all know, it's hard enough already.
Plus, why is it that others' opinions of me are more important or more valid than what I think of myself?
I guess the problem is that I have a lot of uncertainty about myself and I trust others more than I do myself. It's fair to say there's a LOT I don't like about myself- and so I think I feel like my opinion doesn't matter too much.
It frustrates me, b/c I'm sick of writing these types of posts and I'm sick of hearing myself bitch. I find it all very irritating, but yet I almost feel like this is always going to be what life is like for me.
I don't understand, why I can't just be okay with me?
Yup, another one to discuss in therapy...
I mentioned in my last post how I was dealing with a confusing situation with a person I wasn't sure was a friend or not. Well, seems like that isn't quite over. And at this point, I still don't know what to make of it all.
We have chatted online since that post and we seemed to kind of work things out... but I have a lot of doubts.
I'm not sure that this friendship is going to work out. I keep thinking that maybe we are too different. In fact, I think we are direct opposites.
But there's a part of me that wants to pursue things further. And that par I don't really understand either ???
However, I don't really know where things stand at this point. We haven't communicated in several days... and I don't now that we will again.
I don't know, it's all very confusing and ridiculous... And like any situation in my life, I don't feel like there's an easy fix to this.
Last piece of news...
I recently went on an interview at a hospital in my city...
It is the same type of position I am currently in, but, of course, it's in a different place and different employer.
Now, I wouldn't ordinarily look to be changing jobs, but with the commute, the gas mileage, the wear and tear on my baby (my Honda civic), and just feeling physically (and mentally) exhausted from doing all this driving, I thought it wouldn't hurt to apply and see what happens.
Well, after a L-O-N-G interview (almost 3 hrs long), and waiting... I finally hear back from them yesterday- Friday. And guess what? I got the job!
Admittedly, i was pretty excited about this news... But, being me, I also have my hesitation and, YES, doubts.
This hospital is much bigger than the one I work at and, hence, so is the department. What this means... I don't really know- but leave it to me to think of the negative.
It could mean possibly more work (not that that's necessarily a problem), more potential for problems with people I will be working with, and, more stress.... which is something I'm pretty sure I don't need.
Not to mention, the jobs pays less than what I'm making. And that's also a definite consideraton, especially since I am barely making ends meet now. To take a drop in pay, well, I don't think that's going to work out.
Let's face it, most people wouldn't consider taking a cut in pay... In fact, I think most people only change positions if their pay goes up... So, while I don't think it should be what makes the decision for you, it is still important.
However, i do have to factor in that I will be saving money on gas and the wear and tear on the car- so it may work out to be about even.... And, if that's the case, i will definitely have give it more thought.
Ok, yes, but there is one other thing holding me back. You can probably guess...
Yes, it's fear.
No, things aren't exactly ideal at my current job- far from it, but I guess there is a certain comfort level at knowing what to expect.
I know what my responsibilities are and what's expected from me, I know my co-workers and my supervisors, and I know the basic drill... And to go from that, to something completely unknown and different is hard for me. Change has never been easy for me.
But, saying that, I know that sometimes you have to take these chances...
Just because you are comfortable with a routine is not reason enough to stay put. Ultimately, by declining out of fear, you could be really limiting yourself from something really good and a potentially great experience.
I know this, but knowing this and actually not letting fear prevent me from moving forward are two different things.