I know I only write here to express my sadness... at least most of the time, but I guess I don't know what else to do. There is no one else I can really talk to about this- or if there is, I don't feel like they truly understand.
My family, for example, tries to help, but mostly they tell me to just get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe they are right. I know I am throwing major pity parties for myself, but, despite that, aren't I still entitled to how I feel?
I feel like I have SO much hurt inside and no matter what I do or what I try- no matter what effort I make, it's no use. I am never going to get rid of it. And it really sucks.
I hate to admit this, but I get even more upset when I hear that someone I know, or am close to, is doing well. Ok, yes, it's pure jealousy. But, for some reason, when I hear that someone is really happy, excited, or is just doing well with whatever it is, it just makes me feel worse about my own situation.
It's not something I'm proud of- no, like I said, I hate that. I mean, I don't want to see anyone I care about in a bad situation by any means, but I think it bothers me how life seems to be a lot easier for them. Meanwhile, life is just shitty for me...
Lately, the best I feel is indifferent. And, like I said, that's on a good day. Then there are days like today where I just feel like this- like, I don't know if I can take anymore.
I'm sick of feeling stressed and anxious all the time. I'm sick of feeling self-conscious and insecure. I'm sick of feeling awkward and like a freak. I'm sick of dealing with idiots and stupidity. I'm sick of feeling badly about myself. I'm sick of my Diabetes. I'm sick about just about everything. And, yet, I don't know what or how to change.
Speaking of the Diabetes, I've been meaning to post about my last appointment. Well, as you may or may not know, there has been quite a lapse in time between my last appointment, which was just a couple weeks ago, and the one prior to that.
During that time, I had left my old, horrid job and started my current one and, therefore, had no insurance for about a 4 month period of time. Now, to my dismay, whenever I go w/o seeing a doctor, CDE, or dietitian for a while, I seem to lose my grip on my diabetes control. And, sadly, this time was no exception.
So, I did have an inkling that things could probably stand improvement. However, I had no idea that my controlled had slipped so much. I found out that my A1c went up from a 6.7 to a grand (NOT) 8.4. Talk about a big jump!
Obviously, this isn't the news I would hope for, but I guess it's important for me to know where things stand. Again, obviously, there is work to be done and I need to buckle down and get back on track, b/c I do think this is unacceptable and I am disappointed in myself.
Yup, just another disappointment, but, yeah, there's really only me to blame, so ... what else is new.
Anyway, I am going to try again at getting some shut eye. I know I better, b/c I will be having to get up for work in only a few short hours (lucky me!) and, if it isn't already a struggle to go in, a lack of sleep probably won't help matters. I'm hoping I'll feel a little better tomorrow, but I don't count on it... b/c most likely something will go wrong. Something always does.