Ever feel like you need a change or need to make some kind of drastic move? Well, that's the way I've been feeling. I'm not sure exactly what kind of change I'm looking for exactly, but I know that something has to be done to break up the monotony of my life...
I hate to say it, but there's nothing going on in my life that I really excited about or interested in. Each day I wake up to do the same practical routine, go to bed, and do the same thing all over again. I don't look forward to work :(, but while I'm there all I can think about is getting out. Then, when I'm home, I look forward to getting out. I know that everyone has some routineness to their lives, but things have been this way for me for too long! I can't remember when I was really excited or looking forward to something.
I'm not sure what that means, but my guess is that there's something missing in my life. People have all different types of needs, such as physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological ,among others. When one is not being met or is insufficient, I think it leads people to feeling the way I do.
Last week, I had a little argument with my mom (sadly, not too unusual). Of course, it was about my Diabetes and the fact that, I feel, she lacks interest in my disease. I know people say things that they don't mean when they are angry, but I think sometimes there is an element of truth in what is said. Basically, my Mom said that to her, it seems, that I have no other interest outside my Diabetes. In other words, she was telling me that don't have a life. I let my Diabetes take over everything and I don't partake in anything that would make my life more interesting or fufilling.
Ok, ok, maybe she's right. There isn't a whole heck of a lot of things that I'm interested in. I don't have any hobbies, aside from my hobby of surfing the internet for Diabetes related things, but that relates to Diabetes, so I guess that doesn't count. I don't belong to any clubs. And I don't take any classes or lessons at the moment.
My average work day consists of me getting up and ready for work, staying at work until 4:30ish, and then heading for the gym. By the time I get home, I am usually starving and exhausted. I really don't feel like doing anything by that point. I'm sure most people my age would still go out and do things, even after a long day. And I know that most have a variety of interests, aside from just one thing, but I'm just not one of them. Yes, Diabetes consumes most of my thoughts, and maybe it's not healthy, but it's part of who I am and I am not going to pretend otherwise. However, I agree that it shouldn't be the only thing that I take an interest in.
If I knew or found something I was really excited about, I'm sure life would be a little nicer, but I just don't have the motivation or energy to figure out what that is. No, I'm not depressed, if that's what you are thinking (at least I don't think so). I think I'm just in a rut and I'm not yet ready to do anything about it...though it doesn't stop me from complaining about it, lol.
It's funny because I've had these random ideas of things I could do, including shaving my head or possibly moving to CA. The shaving my head thing, well, I guess that really appeals to me only b/c I'd love to see people's reactions ( everyone thinks I'm SO straight-laced). But the moving to California idea really is something I've considered and still wonder about. It would be a huge change, one I'm not sure I'd be prepared for, but maybe it's necessary and worth it. I mean, I like Cali. The weather's usually nice, the lifestyle seems so much more relaxed, and the idea of starting over somewhere else is really exciting and frightening at the same time.
However, there's no way I can just up and move. I don't have a job there, I don't have a place to stay, I don't know anyone, aside from my uncle and his family, and I'd really be by myself. Not to mention that I would have to go through the process of finding a new doctor, Endocrinologist, and CDE/dietician. That's not a process I particularly enjoy. Also, I wonder if I'd be homesick, sad, and even more lonely than I already can be at times. I know I'd miss my family a lot and talking on the phone, just isn't the same. That would definitely be the main reason preventing me from making that giant step.
I guess I could always come back if I hated it that much, but it seems like an awful lot to go through, and put my family through, if I'm not going to stay and make it work. I don't know, I'm not ruling it out, it's an option I'm considering, but I don't know if right now is the right time. I guess we'll see.